The Bitter Times of Severus
by Oceans Phoenix
Summary: The past is what makes a man who he is today. What is it that makes Severus so bitter? COMPLETE


Time is a strange thing. Humans consider themselves lucky for living for a good eighty years whilst they pity cats, which only live for about ten years. Animals however don't mind this because what humans don't realise is that time travels differently for everyone. Time is just a measurement of, well time. What we really should be looking at is how fast we live, how much we can do with our time. A fly for example, may be born and die in the same day. They don't mind this however because to them it seems like an eternity. They probably sit on a leaf late one evening saying. "Oh this grass is nothing like the grass we had when I was a kid" whilst a tree that may live for a thousand years only just has time to notice it is rather large, before it dies. The point it comes down to is that Humans, live very fast. Much faster than any other known life form if we want to be precise. What this means is that our lives are more eventful than animals, and it also means that it is near impossible to find a grown adult without a few interesting tales to tell. This brings us to a man named Severus Snape.  
  
Severus Snape falls into this category. With that meaning that now that he is a grand age of thirty-nine, however much he may want to deny it, he did have a child hood. He didn't just wake up one morning in the body of an adult. He lived for not surprisingly, thirty-nine years, each of which goes down in a chapter of his life, and each telling its part in the grand tale of how he came to be where he was today, or maybe, who he was today. He was sitting alone on New Years Eve, in the dark room in Hogwarts he knew as his own. It wasn't decorated in what would be described as happy colours. It was a plain red. He didn't like the colour and the only reason he chose it was because it matched his dull boring bed. The only reason his bed was red was because it matched his pajamas. Believe it or not they were red, and the reason to this? The shop sold out of black. But that is another story, and the point of this is the history of Severus Snape. He truly is a one of a kind man. Perhaps a mistake in the gene pool? A pimple on the earth or a defect of nature? After all if "miracle people" like Harry Potter could be born then it made sense that there were those on the other end of the scale. The sort of person born with all the odds stacked against them. The sort of person that by no fault of its own was born disliked. As if there was something inside them screaming out for everyone to hate them. This person was Severus Snape.  
  
That is what he chose to believe. It made sense after all. If there was one other irregular thing about the way they lived other than the fact they lived rather quickly, was there uncanny ability to blame others for there own misfortune. Sometimes it was true, it wasn't their fault, but more often than not it was. You can decide if Severus was hated by reason of his own, or just by bad luck he was born, the one in a thousand child that is naturally disliked. In order to understand, the story of his childhood must be heard.  
  
Now it would be wrong to say that he was born in a small dirty hospital as a sickly child, that despite all the odds looked up into the loving face of a parent who was glad at the creation it had made. It would however, be correct to say that he was born in a small dirty hospital as a child, that despite all the odds looked up into the face of a parent who didn't want it. Now having a parent who doesn't want you isn't the worse hand fate can deal you. After all snape was in good health and like all children born with a pleasant personality. The thing with personality is that, especially while we are young, it is rather like clay, ready to be moulded into whatever it must in order to survive. Now being a child Severus (the name given to him by his mother, after her drunk father) was blissfully unaware of any thing being different. By the age of four he was as normal as could be expected. Normal face normal black hair and as bright of mind as any parent would ask. It was around this age that children normally start school. Being born a muggle, and knowing nothing of his magical powers Severus was looking forward to school. It would be nice to meet new children.  
  
For reasons beyond his knowledge he didn't start that September. His mother never offered explanation why and for a while Severus just thought that perhaps he had the dates muddled up and he would start next year.  
  
"Why haven't I gone to school yet mummy?" he asked one evening as he sat in his bedroom staring out of the window at two boys of his age walking along the road in nice neat school uniforms and looking very happy. Upon this question his mother seemed none to happy. "Stop asking stupid questions." She snapped at him whilst giving him a sharp slap round the side of the face. Severus clutched his hand to his face as he knelt on the floor in pain. He wasn't new to pain. His mother hit him quite regularly. But that was perfectly understandable. Asking stupid questions or being to noisy or outgrowing his red pyjarmas was bad behaviour and as any caring parent would do, would have to punish the child in order to teach him some lessons. Since his father had died before he was born Severus was the man of the house and therefore took rules very seriously and felt that not only had he let his mother down but had let himself down.  
  
"But why?" he found himself asking before he could stop. His mothers eyes flashed with anger and she replied with a different answer "It's to expensive that's why!" The realisation struck Severus as quite a surprise. He never before had thought they were poor. Not knowing that there was an invention called a TV and not knowing that being able to see daylight through the bedroom wall was anything out of the ordinary he had never considered that his mother might not have enough money for herself, let alone him. But then again, how often do four year olds think about these things? Even one as smart as Severus Snape.  
  
And so the next few years past by slowly. Each night being the same. Snape would sit up in his room avoiding trouble. He would have read a book or played football outside in the back garden except he didn't have a book or a ball. He didn't want to ask for one since it was over these years he started to notice things. He realised his mother seemed rather thin and she often fell asleep in the day. "Maybe she isn't getting enough food?" He would have thought if he had known of such things. Being a child who spent most of his time in his room, on his speckled once white bed sheets, he didn't move around a lot and therefore didn't need as much food and energy as an active child. Because of this he never needed to ask for something to go with his bread.  
  
By six years of age Severus, through his own efforts had managed to learn a little but not much. Natural talent can carry you so far but unless it can be applied then it goes to waste. His main source of learning came from newspapers. Not the big sort that come on weekdays but the thin ones that are free and come on Sunday. It didn't hold much but he did pick up bits of knowledge here and there. He also learned a few things here and there. He learned for example that "filth" "stupid" and "annoying brat" also meant the same thing as his own name. Then one night the unimaginable happened, or rather the imaginable happened, but it was the kind you would rather not imagine. "His mother died. The details were unclear to Severus but if anyone asked him, which they didn't at that particular time, he would tell them what he knew. That she died. From this point he lived with his grandma he never knew he had. She came and lived in the same house so he didn't have to move away from all his friends. All zero of them. His mother was actually very young at the time of death. Only twenty-five.  
  
His grandmother wasn't the kindest person in the world but Severus was used to this. She said he was forbidden to speak of that night for some reason, the night his mother died. What was good however was that his grandmother didn't always want him around the house all day and so she finally paid for him to go to school. It wasn't a great school he didn't go to the one near by that was very expensive. Instead he went to one that was just a brief one and a half hour walk outside of town. Severus wasn't sure what to expect school to be like. Would the teachers be strict? Would the work be difficult?" These were the questions that ran through his mind as he walked the long distance to school in the cold early winter weather. What question he didn't expect himself to be asking was would be accepted. Now he guessed that the children would be very friendly. And they were, to each other. As he stood by the school gates he looked at all the children. It seemed like an unimaginable army of children. He seldom left his house and so he had a distorted idea of what was a lot. He probably would have considered five people to be a lot but here he would guess there were about two hundred, if he could count that high.  
  
He slowly made his way forward across the playground. He looked for people that would possibly be in his class so he could befriend them. He spotted some children that looked about his age and he eagerly made his way over in their direction. As he neared them however he learned that they weren't his age at all, they were two years younger than he was. This shocked him because he always considered himself standard for his size, but learning that he was no larger than a four year old did make him feel slightly awkward. "My brother is six. You will probably be in his class." Said the four-year-old girl as she led him to a group of vicious looking boys. "Hey Peter." The girl shouted in a loud voice most certainly not suited for someone of her size. A boy with a short haircut and a thug like face turned round. "Wha?" he called back much louder than necessary since they were only about two meters apart. Rather than replying she Gave Severus a push, which sent him, stumbling forwards towards the other kids.  
  
"Er hello I'm Severus. I think I am in your class." He said as he extended his hand out in a friendly gesture. The Boy, Peter, looked completely confused for a few minutes before a smile spread across his face. "Oh the new boy!" He said as he suppressed a non apparent laugh. "Hey guys it's the new kid." He called over to his friends who were gathered around in a circle, having a private discussion. They gathered round Snape in a tight circle so that they were staring at him from all around. He looked up at the children, each of whom was several inches taller than him. "He's a bit short" said a voice from one of the boys. "A Bit? He's tiny!" said another. "His clothes are all tatty."  
  
Severs knew this wasn't a good start and he could guess that the next few years weren't going to be great but it was better than at home. He was right. The next few years weren't good, infact they could probably be described as some of the worst years of his life. At home he just at upstairs in his room. At school his time usually consisted of games such as "Hit Snape." He often came home bloody and bruised. Not that his grandmother noticed. He made sure to stay out of her way. The teachers at school didn't do anything. Or if they did anything it just consisted of taking one of the other boys to the corner of the room and saying "try not to do it in future."  
  
It is about this time in a story when it should be pointed out that this poor unfortunate child does have a friend. Just one friend. He is a sickly sort of child and just as bad off as Snape. Usually he would be called something like Jamie. They would get beaten up together and as a result would be best of friends. This however, isn't a story and Jamie didn't exist. Snape was on his own and he had to deal with it himself. With all deepest secrets they were pest kept, well secret. Snape avoided mentioning his mother at all costs. He didn't want to speak to her. But as the saying goes "the best laid plans of mice and men often go wrong." And this was one of the best-laid plans. Therefore it was only a matter of time before it got revealed about Snape's secret. It came about one day when he was in class. Being about eight years old he was still expected to do the "childish activities" as he called them which basically consisted of making things, one of which included was a mother's day gift. Naturally this was going to be a hard time for him. Last year he had pretended he was ill, no one had cared to question him but to tell the truth this year he had forgotten what day it was. As much as he was embarrassed to admit it. "Come along Severus. Don't just sit there." Said his stupid teacher "Miss Pineapple." (And yes that was her real name.)  
  
"Well Severus you had best get started then. I don't want to have to give you another detention now do I?" she said as she referred to the time he had been told off last week for coming to school with no shoes. They were of course stolen by Peter, and his cronies. Not because they needed new trainers, but because he needed new trainers. Not because they needed new trainers but because he needed new trainers. His grandmother didn't notice anything. He hadn't really seen her since the shoe incident. She did try her best but as far as Severus was concerned he wanted nothing to do with her. "I would but there is little point in it." He said in a tone of someone far beyond his years, to the teacher as he turned his attention back to the current situation. "No." said his teacher in a slightly stricture tone that said it would be no good arguing with her. "I'm sure your mother would appreciate it." She said as she crouched down by the table beside him and thrust some coloured card into his hand. By now everyone had turned their attention to Severus and the Teacher. It was a small class of about fifteen children and so could be achieved without notice of the teacher. Peter and his moron friends were watching excitedly, probably hoping he would get a detention. "No I cant do it." Severus said adamantly as he sulked in his seat. "Why does everyone have to ask such stupid questions? If I were a teacher I would be a good one. I wouldn't faff about being stupid." He thought to himself as he glared angrily at the woman in front of him. "You will do the work now or you will do it with me this lunch time." Said his teacher as she raised her voice threateningly.  
  
"I don't want to." He yelled angrily as he chucked the piece of card in his hand at the teacher. Being a piece of card however, it had distinctly different intentions from him and whilst he wanted it to hit her in the face it instead, spun in the air before floating back floating back to his desk just a few centimetres away from where it had been in the first place. Severus wasn't to blame for loosing his temper. As with most eight year olds, even the intelligent ones, they don't realise the consequences of their actions and sometimes they can let their emotions get the better of them. It would be wrong to call Severus badly behaved for his actions, because in order to do that you would have to understand all the facts. And the facts are not as black and white as, well black and white are. They are actually more like rather extreme forms of grey, or like a black and a white shirt that have gone through a rather hot wash and forgotten what their original colour was meant to be. Perhaps if Snape was bought up as a regular child is then this behaviour would be considered inappropriate. If he had two parents who cared for him and wasn't starved for the large majority of his life. If he had clothes that fitted and if he didn't have greasy black hair. If he didn't then perhaps he would be normal. But this wasn't the case, these weren't the facts and so it wasn't to be understood by his teacher exactly why he was so touchy on the subject. Severus couldn't help but be melancholy. Ever since that fateful night his life had changed. His world had been smashed apart by that terrible secret that burned deep within the bottom of his soul in every living day and every waking second. There wasn't a moment that passed that he didn't think of it. Of how his mother had died.  
  
"You will do as you're told!" Miss Pineapple shouted at him angrily. Never in her years of teaching (which consisted of a grand total of three years. The thing is that time moves in relative amounts and whilst a tortoise might only have time to notice it is rather slow before it dies humans notice a lot of things. For them time is very eventful and there isn't a moment something pasts by unmissed. They could probably fill a large book with there yearly events. For Miss pineapple the book describing her year would mainly consist of answering "yes" when a child with terrible acne asked if he could go to the toilet.") had she heard such a thing from a child of his age. It was to be expected from children of older ages of course, they had learning problems. (By learning problems it was not meant that they had any sort of disability but just that they had problems learning. To be more precise the problem they had with learning was they just didn't do it.) "NO I WON'T! WHY YOU ASK? BECAUSE I HAVE NO MOTHER SHE DIED!" Severus yelled as tears threatened to stain the corners of his face. Everyone was completely quiet, all except for the snickering or Peter in the background. It was however just that, background noise. Everything else was an eerie silence, like even the wind outside had been told to quite down. Severus was out of breath from shouting so loudly. Shouting everything he was feeling. But what he shouted was a complete lie.  
  
"When did this happen?" Miss pineapple suddenly said in a much quieter voice. A voice of someone who had just a moment ago been furious and was suffering near terminal guilt. "AGES AGO. YEARS." He shouted as tears now fell silently down his face. They weren't the kind of tears that you had when you were sad or very happy. That would be stupid. Only morons and fools cried over stupid things. That only showed weakness. These tears however were unavoidable. They were tears of rage that came about every time he faced the past, the past and his life ever since. Many nights he had sat up in his bedroom on his own since he found out. There hadn't been much to do in a virtually empty bedroom on his own. He would read the newspaper because it was free but nothing that cost any money it was wrong. "How is that possible Severus? I spoke to her last month." Said the teacher in a tone of pity as if he was by some strange reason, deluded or just plain insane, Severus sat silent in his seat for a moment. Everyone knew the lie. Even his fellow students. He expected he would have to endure their tuants. But then again it was better than the truth.  
  
The teacher stared at him expectantly, as if perhaps he would just sit there and admit that he had been confused and get back on with his work. He had no intentions of doing such a thing. Not now, things had gone to far. "Yes she is. What would you know? You're just a stupid teacher." He said angrily as he got up and ra out of the classroom. Once he left Peter and his friends exchanged glances before bursting out into hysterics, which echoed down the corridor to meet Severus. The teacher who still didn't know what to say. Stood there. "Hold your tongue!" she snapped at them. Whilst she would certainly have to give him a detention or two tomorrow (maybe even three) she admired his spirit. Severus on the other hand was not admiring anything as he ran down the corridor. Being a cold winter day and the fact that he was only eight he wasn't the sort of student who had the nerve to actually run out of school. Instead he decided the most unlikely place miss pineapple would look for him was in the boys toilet. Probably due to the fact she wasn't allowed in there. He slammed the door behind him and slumped against the wall as he broke into a deep depression.  
  
Now it could be said that this was for no particular reason. That he was over reacting. After all it had been two years since his mother had died. Even the feeble children get over that sort of thing. But then in order to make such a bold Statement about Severus Snape you need to understand the facts. Now the thing about facts is that they are not as you would often believe, they are not always facts. A fact is something that is a known truth. What is often said to be a fact, is in fact just believed to be, or sometimes just said to be. Facts are more like a large pool of water. Whilst you can clearly look at the water and see your reflection, if you throw a stone at it the water ripples, and the facts can get distorted. This is the same sort of fact that his "mothers death" was. Severus may have presented it as one thing when in fact it was something rather different. Therefore before we can judge Severus Snape we must examine these unclear facts. Facts that were known to none, not even Severus understood entirely. In order to find the origin of his hatred we must look back approximately two years, to the night of the incident.  
  
It was late one afternoon two years ago when Severus had been lying in the living room at home. His mother was at work as usual. She worked late and so he made himself dinner. Well attempted to at least. There was only so many different things you could make with stale bread and cold beans. Anyway, on this particular afternoon Severus decided to take a walk. It was nice to leave the boundries of his house. His mother said he wasn't allowed to go outside incase someone attacked him but this sounded silly, and when she wasn't around she could hardly stop him. He enjoyed walking. Nowhere in particular, just around. Sometimes he would go down to the park and watch the other children. Other times he would find himself walking through the woods that was a fifteen-minute walk away from his house. On this particular evening he found himself walking along a cycle path. It was a windy one that just across the rad and opposite the woods lie. It was a warm evening and Severus didn't need a jumper so he was walking along with his hands in his pockets thinking about the usual sort of things that interested him. Science, Time and Space. He had a lot of space, and time. They were things he had plenty of. He always considered himself lucky for this. His mother was always working, or so it seemed, and she seldom had time for him.  
  
Severus never complained however. He understood that people needed to work, it was just a pity his mother didn't earn more. Now as he walked down this long unfamiliar path something happened that had never happened before. As he came to a corner and the path took a ninety-degree turn. He stopped suddenly at the corner. He looked curiously at the sight in front of him. There was a small bit by the side of the road that you can pull in should you need to stop for some reason. Now Severus had a general idea of what they were for and it did not come as a surprise that a car should be there. The car was an old red one that he didn't recognise. This however wasn't what had drawn his attention to it. This car was moving in a way that most cars do not move. It was bouncing up and down and there were loud moans coming from it. Now Severs being a smart child at the age of six realised fairly quickly what was going on. He quickly his in the bushes at the side of the path and for reasons none other than curiosity watched. Reading articles in papers can only answer so many questions. And this new sight answered and raised many more questions. "Why would someone just do IT, at the side of the road?" he wondered as he squinted between the bushes. "They could be seen, they are being seen!" Now the action of the couple in the car continued for the next few minutes, completely unaware of the secret voyeur. Severus couldn't see anything that would be considered perverted. All he could see was the car moving and the black coat of a man. He was only a six year old and as six year olds haven't yet had much opportunity to learn from their mistakes, they don't have the best of judgement. If Severus' judgment was better he would have walked away then and forgotten all about it. He didn't however and he would regret it for the rest of his life. The reason for this was because the movements stopped and about thirty seconds later his mother stepped out of the car.  
  
Severus stared for a moment completely confused. He must be seeing wrongly. This wasn't his mother, his mother wouldn't do that. She couldn't be doing THAT. She was at work. Then realisation dawned and Severus' life took an irreversible change for the worse. That was his mother. She was at work. The disgusting truth was confirmed as the man past her some money before quickly driving off. He had always thought his mother worked a night shift at some factory. well she didn't. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say she worked the night shaft. As Severus sat hidden in the bushes his life broke up into pieces. How long had it been going on for? Why? Was it his fault? Did anyone know about it? Questions filled his mind as nightmares became reality and everything he believed in had become a lie. Now Severus, being just the age of six was only a child, and a child of this age is meant to be out having fun, not dealing with the problems he was, keeping them all locked up, never to be mentioned. This sort of thing would make a child go insane, or at the very least become a sad, recluse character later on in life. It was at this point that by chance, luck or most probably, that fate intervened and he ended up snapping a dry twig under his foot. His mother spun round and she saw him. Her eyes locked with his as not thought, but a dreaded understanding passed between them. From then on things would be different, very different, no matter how hard they both tried.  
  
She cried. He cried. When they were home everything came out. The secrets the lies. All of it was confessed, well nearly all of it. She was a prostitute. That was her job. All these years that had been the case, and Severus had never bothered to question it. He should have known. The clothes she wore. Other mothers didn't wear clothes like that. The fact she never spoke of work, or went round her friends. She had none, the same as he. His father? Well accidents do happen and it just turned out he was one of them. A nameless faceless man that he would never know. That she never knew. She was just eighteen when he was born. Unwanted, a mistake, a scar on the great plan of life. No wonder she never cared for him? Over the years he had to live with this, the truth. He had lied, said she had died. After all death was such an un-talked about topic that it could have worked, it did, for a while at least. In a way it was truthful. His mother had died. He never had a grandmother. This was just what he would say when anyone asked. It wouldn't be acceptable otherwise. What would he say? "What does your mother do Severus?" someone would ask. "She sells herself." He would reply to the startled person. The mother he knew was gone. The poor one who sometimes lost her temper at him, the one who neglected him, but the one he loved. Instead she had been replaced by a stranger. A stranger in the body of his mother. This one had a haunted look he could see deep down in her eyes and the core of her soul. For the years afterwards she always acted strangely around him. They seldom spoke after that night. He couldn't speak to her, everyday he saw her he saw everything she didn't want and everything that was wrong. If anything the revelation had made her try harder. She would buy him books new clothes. But he didn't want them. How could he wear something he knew was bought with dirty money. And it was dirty money. Money earned from a dirty deed. A deed so foul that even to this day he spoke not of it.  
  
Now the thing to remember is that time moves in relative amounts. It doesn't move smoothly. It comes and goes in dollops and dashes. For some people time stops. For others they say "time flys." For Severus Snape every second of everyday had crawled past like a bitter eternity. A year of sorrow and a year of pain. Each stolen from someone else and compacted down into each and every minute of his life. Severus could probably write a book about problems and fill a dictionary with words to describe them. He sat in his hard wooden chair in the dark bedroom in his red pyjarmas. He sat staring at his shadow on the wall. It was always there with him. In a strange way it made him feel less alone. He swirled a glass of red wine, for no particular reason. He had no intention of drinking it. It just took his mind of some of the more negative things in life. It reminded him that like the wine life wasn't a stable thing. Whilst one minute you could be sailing along smoothly a moment later a wave could crash down on you and turn your boat, or rather your world upside down. Severus liked his dark room with the eerie shadows and the haunting silence. It was like his room back at home, and whilst he never liked his childhood, his room was his own. It was his private sanctuary of thought. A place of peace and solitude in which none would interrupt him. His mother was forbidden from entering and so he liked it. He liked a lot of things not concerning his mother. He liked grass. It was nice and reliable and you knew where you stood with grass. Unlike people grass wasn't going to stab you in the back. It wasn't going to betray you, as had everyone else. Looking at it now from the age of thirty-nine he could see things he didn't used to. She didn't do it for fun. She did it for him. She did what she did so she could afford to support Severus and herself. Yes she did it the wrong way and even then she didn't do a great job of it. But she tried and that counted. "Perhaps if I wasn't born she would have been a lot better off?" he contemplated as he swirled his wine round. "Undoubtedly. It is all my fault." He thought as he sat in the dark room, on a dark night, in the dark world. 


End file.
